At nine months old, I was fearless and happy at the piano! Actually, I have always been happy, even euphoric, at the piano. But, performing… now that was another thing altogether.
My formal lessons began when I was about 5 and my performance anxiety began shortly thereafter when I had to play in a recital. All through my childhood, I remember being so nervous that I began playing my piece before I was even seated on the bench and that my only goal was to finish as fast as possible! And, apparently, I did because my family always told me that they would hold on to their seats as my playing was so fast!
Even playing for family and others at home was nerve-wracking. I loved to play and really wanted to share my music but, in order to do so, the listeners had to go into another room so they couldn’t see me. I remember even making my grandparents do that in their own house, and I was already 12!
Yearly recitals morphed into torturous montly events. I would show up early at my teacher’s house to run through my piece for her. I played my piece well. Always. Then, people showed up. And by the time it was my turn to play, whatever it was I played had no resemblance to what I had just played for my teacher.
I bombed every single recital. It didn’t matter that I was talented and practiced diligently and that my pieces were well-prepared. My nerves did me in every single time.
Although the quality of my performances improved greatly in college and beyond, the experience of being on stage in front of others always felt torturous to me. The only thing that kept me performing was that my deep desire and need to share my music was greater than my torment in doing so.
Fast forward many years….
I no longer feel the torment when performing. It is no longer torturous. I still feel some anxiety, but nothing like how it used to be. And my pieces sound good!
This was no accident or simply the passage of time. It wasn’t until I became engaged with EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques (aka Tapping), that I was able to calm my nervous system enough so that I could look forward to performing and happily invite everyone I know! (in college I invited no one. If it weren’t for my mom inviting the whole neighborhood, I never would have had an audience). While I am not 100% anxiety-free, the difference in my life has been astounding.
